Sunday, April 15, 2012

Embarrassed, Table For One

Usually when my pants come off, it's a good thing. It usually means that one of three things is about to happen - that I'm about to go swimming, that I'm about to get into a hot bubble bath, or that I'm undressing to put on a comfortable pair of pj's to go to bed. And for all of you who expected something naughty at the end of that list, get your mind out of the gutter. I don't plan on exposing # 4 until the release of my Tell-All book that will be available in stores ten years from now. 
But it's a different story when it's someone else's pants coming off during an occasion in which I do not want to take part of. That's what happened to me today. It all began at 10:30 this morning when I took my kids, Lodo and 
Desideria, to Explora. Explora is a museum for kids where they can do just about anything. There is an entire section devoted to play (apparently to teach children about interacting with others), a section devoted to science, and even a fake grocery store where we learn about nutrients and so on. Even though in my kids eyes I was born when dinosaurs still walked the earth (yes, my six year old asked me this during a dino section of the exhibit), I, at 18 years old, still had so. Much. Fun. Until l went to the bathroom, that was.
It began as innocent as one could expect. There was only one stall in the bathroom, and it had a green strip over the handle, indicating that it was unoccupied. I pushed open door # 1 in which my
Never an ideal place to meet someone for
the first time. Or ever, for that matter.
prize was a middle aged woman squatting over the porcelain bowl who looked as though she were giving birth (I am so sorry for that mental image). I was shocked. In fact, I was horrified! Although the door was open for the span of about three seconds, it felt like three hours. She said something in a rushed voice in a language that I do not understand, and I just shut the door and stared at myself in the mirror. Oh my God. I just walked in on a lady who was... she... No, MichElle! Don't think about it, you sick freak. Just pretend it didn't happen. Maybe she'll have... Wait. Why was I the one feeling embarrassed? She's the one who didn't lock the door properly.  I didn't know what to do. Of course I wanted to leave immediately, but I really had to go. I drank a lot of water this morning thanks to my jog, and I was not about to continue walking through the museum for another hour with my legs crossed. All I could do was awkwardly wait until the lady I walked in on came out, mumble a "sorry" without staring her directly in the eyes, and forget about it.
This was almost as embarrassing as my trip to the dentist office a few years back. The dentist was wearing grape flavoured gloves while working on my pearly whites, and I was subconsciously licking the gloves because, hello, they tasted like grapes. Finally, the dentist had to take the gloves off and replace them with boring latex ones (I think women everywhere can agree that this is not a good
Some might consider this to be an embarrassing photo. I say
an early lesson in looking fierce and working the camera.
taste whether they experience it in the dentist's chair or during other activities). I asked the dentist to please put the grape ones back on, and he ignored my plea by scraping me teeth with a jackhammer and asking me how school was going. It's incredible how stupid some dentists are. They ask you questions about your life when they know you can't answer on account of their hands occupying the greater part of your mouth.
This experience has caused me to reminisce on some other things I do that are also embracing. Let me just say that I have a criminally bad habit for not being able to remember people's faces. Names I can do, but faces? Nope. My excuse is that I see so many on a daily basis that I cannot always properly remember everyone's bone structure and freckle assortment. I am constantly walking past people on the streets of Rome who are my friends, for crying out loud - and I DO NOT RECOGNIZE
How to recover from an embarrassing moment? Go to At least you're not one
of those people, right?
THEM. Two of my friends, Pearl and Alexandra, are always in the city together. Because I live in the centre, it isn't uncommon for me to take a stroll or cross through a busy piazza in order to get to my destination. I can count at least three times in which I have walked by the two of them together, all of which they have creeped up behind me while pretending to steal my purse. I can't say I blame them.
Another awkward thing that happens to me is when I confuse a he-she. You all know what I mean. A person who can either pass for a male or female. This scenario is even worse when the person's name is something metrosexual like Sam, Jamie, or Mackenzie. Before you scrutinize me, let me just say that I don't think it matters if a person looks like a he-she. I don't discriminate, and I believe that if a person is comfortable with their looks, then power to them. What makes this awkward is my need for addressing people in a respectful manner. I say "Sir" or "Madame" or "Miss" when talking to someone. It's just nice, and perhaps this characteristic of mine was adapted from growing up in the country, where one should be polite to everyone. 
The colour? The gouging hole? The elastic band? Clearly
she missed this year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
But when I'm in line at the grocery store or in the Drive Thru and I'm about to leave, I somehow always end up making the asshole mistake of saying, "Thank you, mm.. Uh... (Insert confused look from he-she) Thank you," I finally conclude before speeding away.
Another embarrassing act that could happen to someone is being pantsed. I tend to disagree, and feel that people should used the experience of being pantsed to their advantage. Women, if you're wearing granny panties or tan coloured underwear and someone pants you, it's your fault for being embarrassed. Yes, you mistakenly flashed everyone parts of your body you didn't necessarily want anyone to see, but if you were wearing a sexy thong or lacy underwear from Victoria's Secret, the embarrassment would surely not be so bad. And for the men who are pantsed and get caught with a pair of Spider Man briefs or holes in their boxers, shame on you for not suiting up to wear a pair of sexy boxers made of silk or with a
High fashion in the fourth grade.
cool sailboat print. Ladies love sailors.
The fact is that everyone has embarrassing moments in their life and goes through awkward situations. Whether it's you who was walked in on while using the bathroom or a photo that comes back to haunt you, embarrassment is a human flaw that we cannot escape from. Luckily for me, I have a whole box full of old clothes that contribute to my awkwardness, many of which include a cat chasing a butterfly or puppies in a basket. My personal favourite is a black cut off T shirt that had some saucy saying on it, in which the word Cattitude was used. Cattitude (n); a feline creature that demonstrates bad behaviour. I also had a shirt that said, "My mom made me choose between basketball and dance." On the back it said, "I'm going to miss shooting hoops." Which made perfect sense, as I did neither of those sports.
My pile of hysterical clothing goes as far as the eye can see, and when I return home, I plan on having a photoshoot donning my finest shirt with a smiling bunny on the front with a daisy tucked behind it's one ear. Wait until these photos leek onto the Internet. I have a feeling they're going to go viral.

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