Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dead Bodies, Blind Prostitues, & Other Theories


I have many theories that I constantly think about, but do not share with anyone. First of all, I don't have any trusted scientists in my close circle of friends, and secondly, I don't think that 
anyone would take my theories or ideas seriously. But hey - there have been plenty of theories that have proven themselves true (therefore are no longer considered theories), so why not throw my own out there? If anyone is interested in further information on anything you read on my blog, please contact me with a generous sum of money that you would be willing to pay me in order to spill the beans more than I'm about to.
Lately I've fallen head over heels in love with this YouTube channel called "communitychannel" that is run by an Australian  named Natalie Tran. This woman is a genius, if I ever did see one. She is hilarious (and so is her Vietnam-born mother, whom is constantly telling Natalie to appreciate everything by telling her at the end of dinner, "There's still meat on that bone"). 
Anyway, you have to check her out. But Natalie shared a theory she has that gave me a total light bulb moment, and I wanted to punch myself for not thinking of it first. This is what Natalie calls the "Jogger's & Dead Bodies Theory." Please watch the video above in order to find out what this genius idea is all about. Not only is the theory itself a masterpiece, but Natalie has an adorable accent, is totally lovable, and you must check out her other videos. My favourite besides this one is the "Talking Trash To Mum." 
To give you some more insight, the Joggers and Dead Bodies theory is that if you run in the morning, chances are, you're going to find a dead body. On the news and at the beginning of C.S.I shows, it's always a jogger who finds the dead body from an early morning sprint. 
In order to avoid being the jogger who finds the dead body in the morning, Natalie decides to jog at night instead with her friend Kieran. However, it's my theory that the people who go jogging at night are the people who are raped and killed, only to be found by the morning joggers. I'd rather be a morning jogger who needs to go to therapy for the next 25 years of my life because of the horrors of finding a dead body than actually being the dead body.
Moving along to my theory about blind prostitutes... This is going to be a touchy subject (no pun 
I think it would be beyond inappropriate to put a
picture of a prostitute or a blind person, but this area
was lacking an image, so I decided to google "Happy
Cat" and put it here instead. Sorry for that one.
intended). I'm not really sure how to handle it (no pun intended). Oh well, let's just get it over with and do it (again; no pun intended.) I can't believe I'm exposing actually writing about this. Ok, so we all know that working as a prostitute isn't exactly the best job to have. You can't invite your parents to come visit you at work (well, I suppose you could, but that might make things awkward). It's not a respectable way to make money. And let's be honest... Who wants to work in an environment that requires you to visit the gynecologist more often than Lindsay Lohan visits court? These facts alone would make me an unhappy prostitute. 
But I bet the job would be even worse if you have a client who is one of the ugliest people that the Lord has made. You know what I'm talking about. If the clients were attractive, the job would ultimately be less horrible. In reality, if someone was attractive, they wouldn't need to hire someone to sleep with them - they could just go to the bar, buy a girl a drink, and then 
Insert sign of the cross and gospel music.
proceed to ask her if she's wearing space pants because her ass is out of this world. I think it's safe to say that most people who have to pay for sex aren't attractive, and this fact alone makes the job suck (again; no pun intended). But if the prostitute was blind, it probably wouldn't be so bad... Right? Ok, I know... I'm terrible.
I also would like to talk about Cosmopolitan magazine for a minute. First off, I love the magazine. It's my own Holy Bible/Torah/Quran. I am so religious in these scriptures that I even read it once a month when a brand new copy is delivered in my mailbox. But some of the advice they give? It's weird. Like, over the top weird. Most of this "advice" is apparently written by men. I don't know if I'm buying that. Do guys like "Matt, 27", and "Josh, 23", actually send in their best sex tips to Cosmo? Probably not. The truth is that these tips are probably written by a single, middle aged woman who spends her time in a cubicle at the office, trying to think of freaky things to write down and disguise them as men across America. It's creepy. Kind of ruins the romance, right? Well, I've complied a list of hilarious and freaky advice that I've come across through the many pages of my spiritual 
Awkward.
readings. Adventure is nice, but... Well, take a look for yourself:
1. "Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off." (Could you actually imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend inviting you over for dessert, only to find them laying on the bed with crumbling pieces of a Snicker's Bar covering their... parts? Yeah. Me neither. Takes on the "lot's of nut's" idea too literally)
2. "Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver." (Great idea, Cosmo. As if leaning over the bedside table to take a swig of sparking water before going down on someone isn't going to raise any uncomfortable questions, this will also make us choke. Not sexy.)
3. "Introduce grapes in the bedroom." (What? WHY! So many questions arise here. To feed? To rub on each other? Do you pick them off the bunch first? And again... WHY?)
Eating grapes at a wine and cheese
picnic? Hot. Rubbing the grapes all
over you in attempt to be sexy? Not.

4. "Rub ice on his G-Spot." (First all of those who don't read Cosmo, yes, men have one. But I'm not sure they care, since it's located between his butt and his balls. Another suggestion Cosmo made was to press on it. But then they added ice to the equation? Ice? ...Really? I can't help but imagine what would make a man more more turned off before sex - the ice, or moaning your exes name while he's heading down south. Either way, let's not put it to the test.)
5. "Run your tongue along the outer rim of his ear. It's a sensitive spot that's usually ignored, and feeling your hot breath will really get him going." (I actually laughed out loud at this one. Cosmo, let's stop here, before you continue to shove your foot even further down your throat. Erm, I mean, ear.)
My final "theory", if you will, is really more of a personal opinion that I think most people will agree with. I can't help but get annoyed when couples are constantly communicating with each other through Facebook from detailing very extravagant plans such as, "Hey sweetie! I'm SO EXCITED to go out for dinner tonight... I love you so much... Thanks for spoiling me hehe!" to a simple heart on the wall. I know what you're thinking. You probably think I'm saying this because, "I'm a bitter girl who can't get a boyfriend who obviously is jealous." First of all, I'm not bitter. And secondly, the opportunity for me to date has arose on plenty of occasions in Italy. Being single is a choice that I'm happy with. And jealous? Are you kidding me? Spare the ridiculousness, please.
Constantly writing on each other's Facebook obviously means that you want all 672 of your friends to see what a perfect relationship you have. I don't think it's a problem if it happens occasionally, but let's be blunt here. Why don't you just text each other and make plans in private rather than debate "who loves who more" in front of the entire world? Theoretically, it's the couples who do things like this who are the most unstable and insecure. Then again, this theory is coming from a girl who thinks that blind prostitutes don't have it so bad. Agree/disagree with whatever you like.

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