Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Dating Game

Ok, so you know that scene in No Strings Attached where Ashton Kutcher brings Natalie Portman a “Congratulations” balloon for doing such a good job in bed? Yeah. My date was not getting one of those from me.
The beginning of this blog is inspired by one of my favourite columnists from Cosmopolitan Magazine, and has inspired me to talk to you all about a hot topic - dating. First dates can be totally and completely awkward. Blind dates? Even worse. 
I actually enjoy dates - they can be a lot of fun. Anything involving getting dressed up, flirting, and talking about myself is ok with me. I'm really outgoing, and find it easy talking to people I've met for the first time. But having a conversation with someone whom, when the ball is in their court does not bounce back with an interesting story about themselves, what do you do?! It turns out being a Disaster Date, that's what.
Every woman (and man) does not need to think hard when someone asks, "What's the worst date you've ever been on?" The question does not require a whole lot of head-scratching (or ball scratching), because no matter how hard you try to forget or how much you drink, the 
"Gr8 time. LOL at all my
  jokes. Hows ur day?"
memory of the guy who used bad pick up lines or the girl who spent the entire date showing off pictures of her cat just doesn't go away.
Lucky for you, I'm about to spill some stories and share tips on dating. The following list applies to both men and women.
MichElle's DO NOT do list on a date:

Bring this with you and the
relationship will be over
before it even begins.
1. Do not pick up the cell phone. Keep it on silent and in your purse/pocket. If you pull it out onto the table or to text someone, its just bad manners. And worse, the person you're with no longer feels that your attention is on them. If necessary, go to the bathroom to send a quick text.
2. Do not talk about your ex. Period.
3. Do not talk about your bowel movements (the blogger Confessions Of A Shoe Addict and personal friend of my sister's once had a date who once did this. Obviously, things didn't work out.) 
4. Do not talk about your future kid's names.
5. Do not treat your waiter/taxi driver/person-of-service badly. You can tell a lot about a person who isn't nice to these people.
Those are my five main dating do-not's, but some of my own bad dates are contributing to a larger list that I scribble in my mental notepad whenever I'm sitting across a table from someone who thinks his idea of a good story is "the time my friends and I went streaking and were caught by the cops." FYI, this story is only good if you have a hot bod, its an Indian summer, and the cops handcuffed you and put you under arrest
That's funny, I thought
it was "douche bag."
for being "too damn sexy." If it was just you and your dropout college buddies with beer guts and you actually got in trouble with the law, I don't want to hear about it.
I once went on a date with this guy *Ryan (names have been changed to protect the idiotic). He seemed (keyword: seemed) smart, was on the hockey team, and had blonde hair. Usually, I like to be the blonde one in the relationship, but I could deal. See? I know how to compromise.
My suitor of the night had refused to take any of my date suggestions because "he wanted to plan things." Ok, fine. I'm a planning kind of person but I certainly won't complain if a man has a cool idea and wants to take care of things. This made getting dressed a little tricky as I didn't know what we were doing, but I eventually decided on a pair of dark skinny jeans, a cool flowy top, a leather jacket borrowed from a friend, and finished my look with a pair of heeled anklet boots (also borrowed from a friend). Well... He showed up wearing a pair of grass stained jeans and a black band T-shirt. The fact that he had a picture of

Rise Against on his torso was not my idea of sexy at all, and it didn't help that the shirt had HOLES in it. He also had a trucker hat. Yes. A trucker hat, something that only looks good on the hottie pictured right. And didn't he know that the only person who could pull off the grunge Johnny Depp look was... Well, Johnny Depp?!
This fool's plan was to dine at a STEAKHOUSE. Why is this so ridiculous, you ask? I'll tell you why. I'm a vegetarian, and he definitely knew it, because I'd told him before. I honestly don't mind when other people eat meat and men absolutely should not feel obligated to eat veggies around me, but just a tip... If you're going on a first date with a vegetarian, you're probably not going to impress her by taking her to a place whose motto is "Eat Meat" and where dead carcus is plastered to the walls. And you're probably not going to impress her by saying, "Oh, so you're one of those girls who doesn't eat much" (insert dumb jock laugh) when she orders the salad because, duh, the salad is the only thing in this place that doesn't have meat in it. IDIOT. I was half expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out and
tell me I got Punk'd. I was also hoping he'd sweep me off my feet, carry me to the nearest bedroom and let me have my way with him, but that didn't happen either...
I have a friend who we'll call *Charlotte. She once had a serial killer for a date. Not really, but... Well, anything was possible with this weirdo:
Charlotte: So what do you like to do in your spare time?
Date: I like to colour.
Charlotte: Oh, so you're an artist?
Date: No. I just like colouring. You know. With like... Crayons and stuff.
*Awkward silence*
Date: Do you like to colour?
*Crickets*
Was there ever a point in history where a date had spiraled down so quickly? They had only met 10 minutes prior to his proclamation of love for the art of colouring with crayons, and she already knew the monstrosity that the rest of the date was to come. She says she wishes she had either faked sick or jumped out of the bathroom window, but was hungry and was waiting
The world's not ending. She just saw the ghost of bad
date's past across the room at the same party as her.
for her meal to come. She also knew that this would be a good story to tell me after this real-life horror film ended. She was right. 
For the past year I haven't really been interested in dating at all. Its true - there are a rare breed of women who do feel this way, but we do exist. Because of my current living situation, its really hard to find the time to commit to one person. I don't want to. I've been having fun, enjoying myself, traveling, making friends, working hard and learning a new language for the past six months. That leaves little time to start a successful relationship. And now I have a mere two and a half months left until I go back to my homeland, and then what? I'm home for another three months until I (hopefully) move to the opposite side of the country. So any 'relationship' isn't actually going to work out until next fall, leaving me 100% single, which is exactly where I want to be right now. 
I suggest having a night in with one of your coolest single girlfriends while cracking open a bottle of wine and do nothing all night but eat junk food, reminisce on bad dates, and watch MTV's Disaster Date. And one last thing... It isn't just my current living situation that makes it difficult to date right now, but I'm content with who I am and think that I'm a pretty awesome person. I'm just waiting out for someone equally as awesome, too.

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